I have a secret which actually is not a secret for my inner circle: A deep-seated anger toward my parents, or maybe, anger toward the universe on why I have to be born through such couple who apparently are not, or even might have never be in love with each other.
There is no proudly hanged family photos on my house’s wall, nor fun conversations about how each of our day’s went, or that kind of emotional safeness every time I am home. All I understand is we are different individuals who are fated to live under one roof, yet we never know the meaning of love. Or… we know? Only that everyone’s love language is somehow clashing with each other and no one bothers to learn about communication. Yet it is also worth to mention that both of my parents are well-liked and have good reputation amongst their peers, in which I see it as an irony. :)
The last psychologist I consulted with analyzed that my anxious or insecure attachment in every relationship I had/have is rooted on the lack of comfort zone or safe zone in my childhood, since I was ‘nurtured’ to keep ‘performing’ to receive some love or attention; if I didn’t achieve something at school, I’d better try harder in the next semester so I can get attention and praise. The effect of such ‘method’, fortunately ‘trained’ me to understand the value of effort, yet unfortunately made me become the woman I used and currently am in a relationship: ‘Performative and Anxious Girlfriend’. I too, had wasted a lot of opportunities to be with someone who might be a great partner for me.
‘Nice guy’ used to bothered me so much, more over those who clearly showed their affection/interest to me. I always felt awkward toward someone who is too kind to be true, because I was not sure if it was the right fit if I don’t have to do anything to get their attention. Therefore, I tended to chase the guy I liked, initially thought that I was being assertive.
My last ex of 4 years was a good person who genuinely cared about my personal growth he gave me a book to help my confidence and leadership skill. Yet in all those 4 years we were together, I always tried to find the tiny details of his misconducts, assumed that he was not that into me, and mostly stayed because I love his family, the kind of family I always dreamed of. He straightforwardly offered the idea to get married if that was what I wanted only not to lose me, yet I rejected the idea because I thought I was not finished with myself. Lucky for him though, I really was not done with myself even until at this stage of my life.
After said relationship, I lost the chance to have a relationship which might be fulfilling because the person was my (used-to-be) best friend. He showed me what he felt at that time as we communicated more in a long-distance friendship, yet I was too scared to live in what I perceived ‘a cage’, since he is working at a government institution just like my dad. I was too arrogant to not being able to imagine myself becoming my mother 2.0 who has to stay at home once giving birth and only need to cheer my husband to climb up the career ladder. I thought I wanted an international career in Japan back then, hence I decided to put the space between us, rejecting him politely via writing as I always did; at least, in my defense, I never ghosted or kept a man in limbo, questioning my stance towards them: Yes is a yes and no is a no, nothing in between.
Now that I am in a relationship with a man who has a golden heart and been so consistent in showing his affection since day-1 and whom I love dearly. Yet again and again, said insecurity has creeped into my mind.
“What if he lost his feelings toward me?”
“What if he’s not done with his ex?”
“What if I am not the one he is looking for?”
“What if he’s not in love with me?”
and the other questions.
Such toxic questions, I am also aware of it but unfortunately kept myself ‘a hostage’ to it sometimes. I am tired of myself and I just wish I can be more optimistic and trusting in love.
I wish I was raised by two loving person who loves each other dearly and not taking their children for granted.
I wish I don’t have a mother with symptoms of NPD, so she can raise her children with empathy and gentleness.
I wish I have a father who knows how to be a ‘Dad’, especially for my brother who has disability.
I wish I have a ‘home’, so I don’t need to keep looking for a room and wasted my money to rent it, only to feel safe and comfort.
How I wish this and that, yet I know it is impossible.
…
In his latest book, the Zen monk Haenim Sunim said…
“We are unhappy because we can’t find peace with what is. We wish things to be different from what is happening at the moment.”
And maybe that is why I have been so unhappy in most of my life as an adult. I wished too many things that are impossible to change and kept on blaming universe on why I was born into my own family and raised with such ways that made me becoming such an insecure woman. I hate the fact that many of my close friends have rather ‘normal’ families, and now they too, have a ‘normal’ relationship, flourishing as a proper adult who doesn’t have to live in fear of not being loved or left alone.
But I wondered too, sometimes.. “There’s no such thing as perfect family, right?”
Maybe they also have problems I can’t see, which may or may not be more challenging than mine.
…
A few months prior my twin number birthday and I am not young neither old, but I know I must not waste another year(s) to regret and anger about who I am and what I have.
This acceptance of anger, regret, and sadness of my roots, shall be the beginning of my journey in learning about accepting and giving love.
I hope I can do it.
One step at a time.
…
-T
