Marcus Aurelius once wrote: “…From my mother, piety, and beneficence, and abstinence, not only from evil deeds, but even from evil thoughts; and further, simplicity in my way of living, far removed from the habits of the rich.” -Book 1, ‘Meditations’. Later on in one of his scripts, he would suggest anyone to observe the good deeds of anyone who lives around us (i.e., family, colleagues).
It got me thinking…
Truth be told, I am more likely to observe and notice behavior that doesn’t align with my preferences. It has been very easy for me to find imperfections or flaws in my surroundings; perhaps every perfectionist can relate to this. Or maybe I just like to think of myself as a perfectionist?
This inclination to notice and dwell on ‘imperfection’ is something I’ve also directed, consciously or unconsciously, towards my family, especially my parents.
…
I’m not my mother’s best friend, as everyone in my inner circle knows from what I may have shared with them. Growing up and immersing myself in psychology and parenting knowledge, even though I’m not a parent myself, has made me realize that there were certain unconscious actions she took when raising me that have shaped who I am today. Some of these aspects have caused inner conflicts within me, yet it’s not something people can freely discuss in public. However, I’m sure everyone has experienced to some extent “steps” from their parents that have created internal “conflicts” within them. Parents are human, and their parenting experience is their ‘first time’ too, in this world.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed that Mama seems to acknowledge her past actions, which has created some emotional distance between her and her three daughters and one son; as we -mostly- prefer to spend our time away from home and confide in others. I noticed this (her awareness of us having ‘distance’ from her) change when she started using emojis in her WhatsApp conversations and became more expressive in showing her affection and care. Initially, it felt a bit awkward, but I couldn’t help but feel grateful for her efforts because she’s genuinely trying her best.
For instance, today she visited my place with Dad, bringing the leftover of her homemade Mie Soto Bandung that she made earlier for her catering business. And a few weeks ago too, she sent her homemade strawberry jam to my place. Once she arrived, she wanted to explore the building I live in, and then admire the beautiful details that the property owner had created here and there. I could sense her awe, and she whispered gently while she was walking down the stairs, “I wish I could build something like this too, but I don’t have the time and I’m too tired.” (fyi: she has become the main breadwinner in my family since Dad retired a few years ago).
That whisper made me wonder, “Is she happy with her life?”, and I couldn’t deny that I felt worried too, wondering, “Have I made her happy? Will I make her happy, considering I haven’t yet settled down with my own family?” Although, I am fully aware that her happiness is not my responsibility.
However, somehow, this reminded me of what Marcus Aurelius wrote in the first chapter of ‘Meditations’ about his mother (in the first paragraph of this post). And at this point, I want to write about my Mama too.
“From my mother, I’ve gained a richness of ‘taste,’ both literally and metaphorically. Literally, because her cooking is unmatched by any chef in the world. Metaphorically, because I’ve learned a wide range of emotions that have matured and strengthened me as a woman. She has always emphasized the importance of honesty and integrity, qualities that are rare in this era and reflect a person’s true value. She instilled in me a sense of pride in hard work, encouraging women to stand strong and be self-reliant, to know how to use their ‘hands.’ She tirelessly demonstrated the importance of giving to those in need, even when they don’t ask, because we know such ‘help’ matters to them... It is in the small things that make life matter, like every pinch of spices she thoughtfully puts into her cooking, as her way to show her love. She is, my tough mother…”
I hope you are happy for what life has given to you, Ma.
—
Jakarta, September 19th 2023.
-T
