At exactly this date three months ago, in October, I was busy packing for my upcoming internship in Japan while trying to manage my anxiety because I was quite unsure about what kind of responsibility I have to do once arriving.
Then exactly the same date in November, I was in Japan already, and surprisingly was experiencing a mix of emptiness and gratitude while gazing at the distant Tokyo Skytree from the coworking space where I completed my tasks for the day.
A month ago today, on the eve of my return to Jakarta, exhaustion overwhelmed me.
The relentless packing, room cleaning, along with a quite challenging discussion with my s.o left me with minimal sleep. On that day too, a final ceremony for the internship program took place, attended by higher-ups from the Tokyo Metropolitan City Government. It marked the moment I bid farewell to new acquaintances from across Southeast Asia, including two Indonesian girls I had the pleasure of getting to know during the program. Yet despite the sense of gratitude, I couldn’t wait any longer to go ‘home.’
It felt like my chapter with Japan has been ‘concluded’.
I’ve stayed and lived in Japan multiple times, starting from some holidays, when I also interned in Tokyo for an architecture studio, and then during my master’s program which started five and a half years ago.
Back then, I was always eager to return to Japan as soon as possible, enchanted by almost everything about the country. While I faced challenges during my master’s program, the desire to live in Japan was unwavering; I felt like I was in love.
And then time passed, and last month as well, marked the first time I felt truly grateful to be back in Indonesia.
Strange, isn’t it?
I’m not sure what changed — maybe it’s me or perhaps it’s always been this way. To be honest, I’m still perplexed about myself. It could be the cold season, the challenging daily commute, the perceived ‘gap’ between foreigners and the Japanese, or the struggle to fit into the high-context culture where one must ‘read the air.’ Apparently, excelling at this skill doesn’t negate the struggle. :)
Since I commit wholeheartedly to any undertaking, ‘reading the air’ drained a significant amount of my energy (almost every day). I found myself feeling too tired to pretend to be okay, to conform to expectations that conflicted with my identity as a non-Japanese. While I appreciate certain values of the culture, I realized that it’s not what I want and need at this point in my life.
So I find myself grateful to be back, even though Jakarta is not my true home too (sigh). Rhinitis allergy due to pollution and persistent issues at home make me feel lost once again.
Since my return from Japan, I too, have neglected sports, long walks, and even sunbathing (given Jakarta’s less gentle sun), making me feel terrible and irritable. Oftentimes I wanted to simply sleep my problems away, or scream and cry.
Somehow, it feels like there’s something ‘hanging’ in my heart, which makes me feel numb and exhausted.
Yet, I recognize the need to keep moving forward.
I know that I must gather up my energy again, little by little,
because every day is indeed a new opportunity for me.
To dream and plan again…
To absorb new stories and knowledge…
To savor love in its various forms…
…
I can,
and I will thrive.
And Happy New Year 2024 too~
—
Jakarta, January 20th
-T
