In less than a month, I will be returning to Indonesia to resume everything that was put on hold during my stay here, to put it specifically, my work commitment. Honestly, there’s no particular excitement about reuniting with everyone in Indonesia, nor is there an inescapable sadness that I used to feel before leaving Japan; I somehow feel relieved instead.
‘Relieved?’, you might wonder.
…
Reflecting on my arrival in Japan this October, I came with a lot on my mind: anxiety about performing at my best (even though I am just an intern in a very small company, still I worried that I couldn’t fulfill the given expectations), financial concerns as I couldn’t receive my monthly salary due to taking unpaid leave from my Jakarta office, and anxiety about how my relationship would unfolds with this Long Distance situation. In essence, I was overwhelmed by my thoughts and the realization that I couldn’t control everything at the same time. I was also too afraid to fail, as I often did in the past.
Now, over a month later, here I am.
Surprisingly, the workloads are more manageable than I initially thought. I enjoy the challenges presented to me, and I have the autonomy to set my own Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) during the internship. My knowledge somehow significantly contributes to the owner’s, and I am content managing various tasks within my expertise in design and research. :)
And regarding my relationship with my significant other, I have finally found my ‘confidence’ back. As previously I often got trapped in a mindset of ‘What if’ while I am already in my 30s — you know what I mean~.
Such ‘strength’ (refers to confidence) somehow ‘emerged’ while I was watching the beautiful sunset at the beach I used to jog around when I lived in Chiba years ago. Looking back to what I have been through since my teenage years up until this point, I became self-assured that whatever the future holds, I am and will always be a strong woman who can navigate her way and create her own happiness. I am no longer (that) afraid of failure or heartbreak; whether it happens or not, I know I will be alright.
Perhaps my fear of heartbreak has narrowed my perspective to a single goal within a certain timeframe. Additionally, being in a country where I am one of the few unmarried individuals among my friends has biased my thoughts and weakened me in these past two years. Many times, I wished I could be somewhere else (and luckily the universe somehow granted me the current opportunity. 🙂).
Yet, after thinking more thoroughly, I realized that I already have all ‘I need’, and ‘only need’ to control what I can do in any role that I have: I am learning again to let go and let things unfold as they should, relying on God and the universe to handle the rest, to have faith that things will be alright at the end.
Honestly, it feels like Japan has embraced me so well, tenderly embracing and restoring my strength. Although daily life here has its challenges, such as the persistent loneliness I have become aware of since two years ago when I was unsure whether to stay or return to Indonesia, and of course, the cold season which I am very weak of. Yet strangely enough, being here somehow helps me ‘build’ another part of my ‘self-foundation’, and makes me realize how much I’ve changed. I used to desire an endless adventure of self-fulfillment here and there yet right now, I desire not just a ‘career adventure’ but a ‘new chapter of adventure’ with a “co-pilot.”
…
We all know that life is indeed a cycle of opposite feelings:
happiness and sadness, confusion and relief, anxiety and gratitude, anger and pleasure, gaining and losing, also to hope and let go.
So after experiencing an immense of anxiety in the past few months, how else should I feel if not feeling grateful?
The sun from the east has undoubtedly helped me find ease and release my worries, one worry at a time.
After all this time, I can’t deny that ‘here’ is the closest to feeling “home”, where I can feel safe by myself.
Also, by the way, I watched two meteors fall yesterday! (quite magical, indeed). In addition to that, one beautiful moon that always shines brightly like a gentle ‘pat on the back’ from mother nature: “You’ll be okay..” she said, so I will continue my walk…
One step at a time…
—
Tokyo, November 30th 2023
