One high school friend once dm-ed and asked me two questions, because he considered me as someone who has a ‘perfect life’.
The first question: “What is your life’s value?”
The reason why he considered me having a ‘perfect life’, is that from his point of view, I seem to possess certain qualities that might be wanted by the other girls, such as intelligence, good looks, independent personality, remarkable education background, and friendliness which brings a lot of friends (his opinion, not mine). I felt honored but also chuckled at that time, because I knew that I am as flawed as everybody else, and have been through many things that most people will never know.
But still I answered his first question. I told him that my life’s value is ‘to give’, and if the universe let me, to build something for children. Because I whole-heartedly believe in the importance of early education. I have no doubt that the golden period (0–5 years old) of human being will shape how he or she becomes an adult.
He said he was surprised since he thought that I was very much into the design field and might be aiming for something bigger than ‘to give’ or do something for children, i.e., to be a famous designer. Or maybe he simply never expected that I am that kind of person who aim for such a simple thing.
He was curious about my life’s value because the book that he was reading mentioned that intelligent people, or those who considered having a ‘perfect life’, tend to always feel ‘not doing good enough’, lonely, and unfulfilled. They could be seen as happy people outside, but they would need more time to be alone to contemplate and restore their energy. And because he considered me as someone who has a ‘perfect life’, he tried to validate that statement.
The second question: “With all those achievements that you’ve got, have you ever felt insecure and left out?”
Well, the truth is, despite having whatever achievements, human will always “make” their way to feel insecure and left out. Aren’t we? Comparing ourselves and aiming for something better are ingrained in our DNA, as it was part of our survival strategy. Yet unfortunately, it has becoming more prevalent in this era of social media. What makes it worse, no one was prepared for the consequences as it was effortlessly ‘served’ to us.
I do consider myself as having certain intelligence, but I always know there are way more people with higher intelligence level than mine. I am nothing but a learner. Yet at the same time, I do experience everything that his currently reading book mentioned: feeling of not doing good enough, lonely, unfulfilled, insecure, left out, and always need more time to be alone to contemplate and restore my energy.
Hence, ‘perfect life’ is the farthest definition of my current circumstance.
And yet, what is ‘perfect life’, or ‘being perfect’, anyway?
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Oppositely, if we’re looking from certain social standards, at this point of my life, I might be considered as a failure. I’m not worthy of being pitied for, yet deserved to be questioned: “What have you been doing in your life?”
At this very second of my life, I should’ve been in certain professional positions; manager, senior, owner, etc., or certain roles that give me more responsibility; a wife, and a mother of (n) children. Yet I don’t have any of it. Right now, I am nothing but a beginner in a new field that I am currently passionate about. My peers, even some of my supervisors are way younger than me. They are the ones who should be called successful.
From the other point of view that weight on someone’s upbringing, I might as well be considered as quite unfortunate. Oh how little did they know about the layers of life that I’ve been trying to manage, at least to understand. Definitely not a great story to tell here, but I have my own (many) struggles to solve. Truth be told, if only I never pushed myself to learn about certain fields (i.e., psychology and philosophy), and read the story of distinguished people whom I adore and respect, I might no longer be here as the idea of ending my own life has never been a foreign concept. I am not saying those all to exaggerate or try to get your pity, but it is the truth of someone who once considered having a ‘perfect life’ by her friend.
“That life is a gift, time is a treasure, and history is a lesson rather than a curse”
is the principle I’ve been trying to live by. Through one step and another, I survived and -hopefully- thrive, blooming in my own time.
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Becoming 30 scared me to death. You can see several posts here implying my confusion before reaching this 3.0 phase of my life. At that time I was in a foreign country which I love, yet I was still searching for something else;
“Is here where I belong?”
So my return to the nation I was born into is supposed to answer such longing. Yet here, I feel misplaced for another x’th time in my life.
Hence I decided to trace back where it all began; my journey as a woman. I stepped on the ground where I experienced a lot of roller-coaster moments in my 2.0 phase, which happened to be in Bandung. I went to places where I was a different woman to see how far I’ve come, and yes it made me laugh (also grateful). Yet still I ask myself:
”Is it a necessary step, though?”
“Shouldn’t I be at different place, swiping left and right for the sake of my ‘expected’ future as a woman?”
“Shouldn’t I fight harder to get that more respectful job title?”
But the key question is…
“Even if I am at different places right now, would I feel happier, or at least more content, if I never fully understand and accept my identity, journey, and background?”
..
However, if my life’s value is only ‘to give’,
“Have I been making everything more difficult to myself? Have I been making things more complicated inside my mind?”
Yet…
“How can we give something that we don’t have? How can we sustain the ‘gifts’ if we don’t have a strong foundation within ourselves? How can we give something valuable if we haven’t valued ourselves enough?”
Oh how I love questioning myself…
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Even though from another societal standpoint, I am also aware that I might as well be seen as an accomplished woman. I enjoy my work and have always been conscious with my decisions, not afraid of new challenges, and I know what I want from a potential partner. I calmly take my time without bothering what others are doing. I have quite many acquaintances across countries, some close friends, and a very few best friends whom I trust wholeheartedly. On the other side, I also have extended family in Japan that I can count on anytime too. At this point too, I don’t have any regrets for all my decisions in the past. In summary, I know how to measure what matters for me right now.
Well then, if there are so many ‘standards’ and ‘point of views’, how can we choose the ‘right’ ones for us?
But why in the first place that we should choose, if we actually have the control to see from our point of view? Why should we bother other’s standards if we are not living their lives?
Aren’t we the one who is responsible to set our goals, which roads to take, and our definition of success itself?
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From one question to another, here I am walking and trying to learn more. Slowly, not always sure, but striving. Hopefully will always be with honesty and gratitude.
Rather than considering myself as a woman who has a perfect life, I think my friend should consider me as someone who has too many questions.
Today is less than two weeks until my ‘0’ changes to ‘1’.
Whoa, chill, myself…
We are thriving, and that’s already more than enough.
-T
