It’s been exactly two weeks since I went home to Indonesia for good (at least for the time being).
I spent 8 days at the hotel as part of the quarantine procedure, then continued to a week to settle every personal matters (before starting my first day of work tomorrow); from setting up my bank account, new Indonesian number, meeting friends, and hanging out with family members, while also re-organizing my room. As I decluttered everything, I found a big pink box filled with a lot of polaroids and love letters from my 4 years of ex-partner which our relationship ended more than 5 years ago. Throughout these years, I kept his sweet gestures and our memorabilia because I didn't have much time before to clean everything.
I felt nostalgic, but not in a melancholic, sad way. And this writing is not about me missing him as my feeling has been settled and content. It’s more about my realization of what kind of person I used to be, in my last, long-term relationship.
Reading those letters and remembering my thoughts back then, in which at that time I always assumed he didn’t love me enough because of some small details that were conflicting me, I realized that he actually had tried his best to make me feel loved. I realized that it was me who didn’t love myself, hence I wasn’t able to accept the love from my surroundings. At that time, instead of feeling grateful for what he did, I would feel undeserving and questioned his intention; was he being honest, or was it just a cover for his misbehavior? I also showered him the act of loving from my handcrafted gifts and letters with the intention of keeping him somehow indebted to my affection so he would always stay, and because I was scared that I didn’t deserve him.
At the day when we broke up, I wrote him a break-up letter. He picked me up from my office back then, and I said I needed to talk about something. We then parked his car at the parking lot of one of the department stores in South Jakarta, and he read the letters. He cried, I cried. At that time, all I knew was that it would be so much better for us to separate. There were many layers behind my decision, as well; that my family is just too complicated for him and may hinder his progress or dreams, I needed space to grow myself, and my assumption that he deserves someone who would accompany him unquestionably, not a lost wanderer who still expects freedom and self-fulfillment. There were also another layers which I couldn't explain in details.
After we spared a few minutes of silence, he accepted my thoughts and drove me home. We kept on holding hands until we arrived in front of my house. We wished each other to be with someone who would make us happy and successful. In front of my house, he asked me if the reason was because he didn’t want to get married sooner. But I firmly answered no. And yes it was a no, as I was a very lost woman who didn’t know who she was. Two months after we broke up, I sent a letter and birthday gift to his mother, explained the same thing about my needs to develop and find myself before settling up for any further commitment. I wished I could meet his mother to say it all, but things became a little bit more complicated because of one and two things. Yet his mother understood and replied me with warmth, as she always did. One thing that also makes me feel grateful from that relationship was also his loving mother whom I genuinely respect and love. Not every child has a privileged to have such parents like his.
Many friends got shocked about the break-up since most of them thought I was too infatuated with him and expected that we would get married in the next one or two years. They thought we were a loving match since we often showed public display of affection. But they didn’t know how insecure and lost I was as a woman, that my shower of affection was only a cover for my chronic insecurity and self-lost.
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During those five years after we broke up, I’d say that I experienced an exponential personal growth. Not only that I realized all the foolishness I did in the past and could laugh (out loud) on it, I learned how to love myself enough to not be overwhelmed by others’ achievements or lucks. I found my own life's principles too, since I also never live by my family rules (it is because I spent half of my life on my own, learning from different “parents” and “sisters/brothers”, living in different places and internalizing a lot of values from my surroundings). Now I can say 'no' to anyone who doesn’t meet my principles/values, and communicate it to them in a proper way. Now I didn’t suppressed my feelings when I don’t like something or feeling uncomfortable, I could analyze and be friend with my 'feelings', whether it is anger, sadness, or happiness. Now I go to places I want and need to go, not holding up myself and making excuses for my incapability to make a strategy to make it come true. I finally am in peace with my flaws and past mistakes, though not fully yet, but I will always be a work in progress. But the most important thing, now my personal foundation is strong enough to not be shaken by someone else’s insecurity or emotions.
Therefore I thank my past self, but also the people I met along the way, and especially, to him.
Four years were not a short time to be with someone. Some marriages even ended up before reaching the 4th year, yet we stayed for each other. He wasn’t perfect and neither was I, yet most of the times, we found ways to resolve our issues. But it’s more than that, since he also taught me a lot of things about startup industry, made me understand the joy of reading, and my hidden potential to create something. He was a passionate man who knows what he wanted, and I am forever grateful for our encounter. But back then, I always knew that he wasn’t for me, that our relationship was meant to not be forever. It was a feeling that I couldn’t describe, but I was so sure to end the relationship when I saw him succeeded in a prestigious competition in the startup arena. At that moment, I felt that my role was done, and he would need someone who could stay; in which I couldn’t, at that time. I knew that I needed a space for myself.
As now I’m breathing the same air as him and I used to, deep down inside I really want to meet him and say thank you genuinely, without any hidden agenda of interrupting his new life, more over to reminisce the old flames. I simply want to say thank you, from the bottom of my life, for giving me a lot of learnings and beautiful memories, for treating me well, for trying to show his affection despite my inability to love myself, and for letting me go so I could have my own adventure. The relationship was not perfect, but it surely was something to be cherished.
Now that he already got married to a loving-looking woman, I feel grateful that my feeling at that time was on-point. I genuinely wish them a happy life together. And I realized that it wouldn’t be a proper act to ask to meet him to say these things, as it may cause a friction between him and his wife, since marriage is a sacred union which must be respected in any possible way. So maybe I would leave my “thank you” note here, since a post is a one way communication which I deem proper enough to appreciate someone in our life. I expect nothing as this writings is only my one-way expression of gratitude.
Other than a thank you note, this post is also a gentle reminder for every other girls, about how important it is to learn and know how to love yourself, regardless your relationship status. It's great if you have known about it, but if you haven't, it's also ok to spare some 'space' for yourself to experiment life in different directions. I also believe that loving yourself is not only about going to a spa or beauty parlor to pamper yourself, it could be also about challenging yourself to do something that may seem impossible before, to prove that you are way way much stronger than you thought. To try something new, to go to the unknown places on your own, to read more so you grow your knowledge, to identify and accept your flaws and work on it, to learn to understand your family, to forgive yourself and others, to experience life as it is, to accept fate as it was, is and will be..
and simply to be present.
May you be able to always find ways to love yourself, and also to say 'thank you' to anyone who has been a meaningful figure in your life, in person. :)
Warmly,
-T
